The
Unforgivable Sin(?)
Let’s
look at two verses—two verses that have troubled me for awhile:
(31)Wherefore I say unto you, All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men.(32) And whosoever speaketh a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come. (Matthew 12: 31-32)
And:
(28)Verily I say unto you, All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme: (29) But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation[.] (Mark 3-28-29)
When I was in the Southern Baptist High School,
these verses were important in the overall theology and lifestyles. But, these verses trouble be because I broke
them when I was younger. I was in the
terrible years of twelve through fourteen.
I was rebellious and I loved anything relating to Satan. He was what represented and symbolized the
whole idea of different and rebellion and being an outsider to me at the
time. But, I was in middle school, so my
ideas about him mainly came from Hollywood horror movies. I would watch them on TV late at night in my
bedroom. I would keep the volume at 1
and strain to hear what these heavily edited horror movies had to say about
Satan. My mother would never let us
watch horror movies. She would just say
they were trash and when asked why they were trash, she would use the same
answer most every mother in the history of the world would always say: “Because I said so.” My mother would never know how much that
answer irritated me when I was actually curious how someone could know that all
horror movies are trash and garbage if they never watched them or had a good
reason for hating them. Anyway, I also
was attending a religious school at the time who preached hellfire and taught
more about the horrors of hell and Satan than they did about God and
Jesus. Sometimes, I wondered if scaring people
into believing in God was not a good idea. But, I saw the teachers and the church goers
around my mother singing happy hymns and perpetuating clichés of sunny optimism
about being the sheep of Christ and how much Jesus loves me. I saw pictures of a white, hippie Jesus who
was also around ginger kids and black children in these Norman Rockwell rip-offs
all around magazines that always made me think of a dentist office. After school, my mother would pick me up and
I would go to the public library near her accounting office. I was supposed to study and do my homework
while I was waiting for her to finish work.
But… high school was a complete waste of time. I felt like I was in a coma for four
years. It was so easy. We had heard the same filtered, reheated,
edited drivel we had heard since we were in kindergarten. I am not bragging, just stating the reason I
was so bored and chose to fill my time with doing stupid things and drugs. Usually, I would sit in the back of the
classroom and read some book I got at the library. When the teacher got angry that I wasn’t
listening and ask me what the answer was to the question she put on the board,
I could usually answer it easily. The
teacher would get very angry that I answered correctly, obviously expecting me
to not be listening. So, she would send
me out in the hall. Sometimes, I was
lucky enough to bring the book I was reading out in the hall, where I could
still hear what the teacher was saying.
I needed something interesting in my life at that time. I was slowly dying in the boredom of it
all. However, I found that different
world in Satan. I found some books about
Satanism in my local library. Books by
and about Anton LaVey and Aleister Crowley.
Books about the heavy metal Satanic underground and the musicians, like:
Carpathian Forrest, Glen Benton, and Varg Vikernes.
I read true crime books about Satanists, like
Richard Rameriaz. If you don’t know who
these people are, I congratulate you on being a much better person than I have
ever been. My time in the public library
was not very beneficial for my spiritual well being. And, the whole time I kept all this secret
from my parents. I lived a quiet life
anyway, choosing to sit alone in my room with the door shut at the rest of my
family stayed downstairs and watched some sports event or just joked
around. I spent time in my books,
reading two books a week for awhile. I read
Catholic thought on Demonology and history books about medieval theology. Most anything I could get my hands on. And, then when I went to high school, I heard
a lot about Matthew 12: 31-32 and Mark 3-28-29.
And, being the stupid monkey that I was at fifteen, I had to break that
law and rule. I had to deny the Holy
Spirit. So, once, when I was fourteen or
fifteen, I was in my room alone. Nobody
else was at home. I said in a fairly
loud tone that I denied the Holy Spirit.
Then, I said it again. I remember
that I didn’t feel anything different. I
didn’t feel anything at all to tell the truth.
The apathy was overwhelming. But,
I did it. I wasn’t some young, punk-a**
kid, but someone who was well aware of their agency. I have thought about this for years. The verses are very clear. The sin is unforgivable. I didn’t care at the time. I wanted to go to Hell. In my young mind, I didn’t think that Satan
would punish those who praised him. That
would be like a store owner trying to run off all his customers But, hey… I was just a teenager, so I didn’t
know much about anything. Does Heavenly
Father forgive everything? Is there more
to the two verses than I fear? I don’t
really know. I do know that God loves us
all.
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