The Unforgivable Sin(?)

The Unforgivable Sin(?)

Let’s look at two verses—two verses that have troubled me for awhile:

(31)Wherefore I say unto you, All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men.(32) And whosoever speaketh a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come. (Matthew 12: 31-32)

And:

(28)Verily I say unto you, All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme: (29) But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation[.] (Mark 3-28-29)

When I was in the Southern Baptist High School, these verses were important in the overall theology and lifestyles.  But, these verses trouble be because I broke them when I was younger.  I was in the terrible years of twelve through fourteen.  I was rebellious and I loved anything relating to Satan.  He was what represented and symbolized the whole idea of different and rebellion and being an outsider to me at the time.  But, I was in middle school, so my ideas about him mainly came from Hollywood horror movies.  I would watch them on TV late at night in my bedroom.  I would keep the volume at 1 and strain to hear what these heavily edited horror movies had to say about Satan.  My mother would never let us watch horror movies.  She would just say they were trash and when asked why they were trash, she would use the same answer most every mother in the history of the world would always say:  “Because I said so.”   My mother would never know how much that answer irritated me when I was actually curious how someone could know that all horror movies are trash and garbage if they never watched them or had a good reason for hating them.  Anyway, I also was attending a religious school at the time who preached hellfire and taught more about the horrors of hell and Satan than they did about God and Jesus.  Sometimes, I wondered if scaring people into believing in God was not a good idea.  But, I saw the teachers and the church goers around my mother singing happy hymns and perpetuating clichés of sunny optimism about being the sheep of Christ and how much Jesus loves me.  I saw pictures of a white, hippie Jesus who was also around ginger kids and black children in these Norman Rockwell rip-offs all around magazines that always made me think of a dentist office.   After school, my mother would pick me up and I would go to the public library near her accounting office.  I was supposed to study and do my homework while I was waiting for her to finish work.  But… high school was a complete waste of time.  I felt like I was in a coma for four years.  It was so easy.  We had heard the same filtered, reheated, edited drivel we had heard since we were in kindergarten.  I am not bragging, just stating the reason I was so bored and chose to fill my time with doing stupid things and drugs.  Usually, I would sit in the back of the classroom and read some book I got at the library.  When the teacher got angry that I wasn’t listening and ask me what the answer was to the question she put on the board, I could usually answer it easily.  The teacher would get very angry that I answered correctly, obviously expecting me to not be listening.  So, she would send me out in the hall.  Sometimes, I was lucky enough to bring the book I was reading out in the hall, where I could still hear what the teacher was saying.  I needed something interesting in my life at that time.  I was slowly dying in the boredom of it all.  However, I found that different world in Satan.  I found some books about Satanism in my local library.  Books by and about Anton LaVey and Aleister Crowley.  

Books about the heavy metal Satanic underground and the musicians, like: Carpathian Forrest, Glen Benton, and Varg Vikernes.  

I read true crime books about Satanists, like Richard Rameriaz.  If you don’t know who these people are, I congratulate you on being a much better person than I have ever been.  My time in the public library was not very beneficial for my spiritual well being.  And, the whole time I kept all this secret from my parents.  I lived a quiet life anyway, choosing to sit alone in my room with the door shut at the rest of my family stayed downstairs and watched some sports event or just joked around.  I spent time in my books, reading two books a week for awhile.  I read Catholic thought on Demonology and history books about medieval theology.  Most anything I could get my hands on.  And, then when I went to high school, I heard a lot about Matthew 12: 31-32 and Mark 3-28-29.  And, being the stupid monkey that I was at fifteen, I had to break that law and rule.  I had to deny the Holy Spirit.  So, once, when I was fourteen or fifteen, I was in my room alone.  Nobody else was at home.  I said in a fairly loud tone that I denied the Holy Spirit.  Then, I said it again.  I remember that I didn’t feel anything different.  I didn’t feel anything at all to tell the truth.  The apathy was overwhelming.  But, I did it.  I wasn’t some young, punk-a** kid, but someone who was well aware of their agency.  I have thought about this for years.  The verses are very clear.  The sin is unforgivable.  I didn’t care at the time.  I wanted to go to Hell.  In my young mind, I didn’t think that Satan would punish those who praised him.  That would be like a store owner trying to run off all his customers  But, hey… I was just a teenager, so I didn’t know much about anything.  Does Heavenly Father forgive everything?  Is there more to the two verses than I fear?  I don’t really know.  I do know that God loves us all.