하나님을 봤어?

하나님을 봤어?

When I was in university, I did a lot of drugs.  I mean, A LOT of drugs.  It had been going on since I was thirteen years old or so, slowly increasing in amount, usage and stupidity.  I was a very bad kid, I know—but, I haven’t touched the stuff since I was twenty-one.  And, it has taking me a few years to really mature about the whole situation; so, when I write about it, I can write pretty normally without resorting to hyperboles and adolescent quips. My life back then was a string of stupid decisions that I blame no one but myself for, and it was all just something I did and which I waste no time blaming any of my current misgivings on. I took a lot of speed, barbiturates, and hallucinogens—especially gel tabs, which came in sizes from 5mg to 30mg, which you melt on your tongue with your own saliva. This was back in the late nineties and early 2,000’s so I don’t know if gel tabs have changed much since then.  One particular spring night, I had taken three purple 30 mg gel tabs about six hours before (the effects last for over ten hours).  I was deep into the psychedelic experience and, the fun, sinful night was coming to an end, as I was walking back to my dormitory room.  The red clay which made up most of the land around that area always promised cool nights, so it was not uncommon for everyone to be hanging outside, just as I had been that night with some friends. The campus was right in the middle of Tuscaloosa and so everything was in walking distance from most everything else―especially the bars.  There was no need to drive and it was nice and quiet because all my friends never carried cell phones or cameras (we were usually doing something illegal and anyone caught with a camera at a party or get-together was roughly let go of that camera so as to not cause any undue attention on any of us through photos turning into evidence.  I mean, seriously, has no one ever watched TLC and seen those cop and CSI shows where young people always get caught because they recorded what they were doing?) I was in the dorm room at the very end of the hall on the fifth floor of one of the male dormitories.  When you are on gel tabs, everything slows down in terms of time and movement, but everything outside of you attacks your senses.  Every sense: sight, hearing, smell…all of them. When I made it to my dormitory, my fat roommate was asleep and the lights were off, but there was someone sitting on my bed.  My bed and my roommate’s bed were in an L-shape.  My bed had its side up against a wall so I could sit on it like a couch and my roommate’s bed was next to it at a right angle.  On my bed, there was someone else sitting on it.  He looked like Ziggy from the old Sunday funnies and the depiction of God on the Sistine Chapel mixed together. I stopped with the dormitory door half-way open as I stared at this being in my dark room, illuminated only by the weak light from the hallway.  

He turned his face to me with a smile and said, “HI, I’M GOD.” 

His voice was deep and raspy, but had no echo to it. I was in a strange state of mind and consciousness so I wasn’t completely thrown off by this image in front of me. Now, you must understand that hallucinations are not limited to sight-all the senses are attacked with every form of hallucination.  I could feel God’s presence, I could smell the detergent on his clothes, and I could taste him in the air.  Every sense was on overdrive and, to me; God was real and on my bed right then.  

I didn’t say anything, so God continued with a suggestion, saying: “LET’S WATCH TV TOGETHER. DO YOU MIND?”  

I said it was fine.  I entered the room and closed the door, completely darkening the dorm room until I turned on the TV, being careful to keep the volume low so that my roommate wouldn’t wake up.   God suggested that we watch the Weather Channel.  I was always scared of that channel since I was much younger.  My dad used to always watch it and it frightened me as we listened to stories about flooding, tornadoes, hurricanes, destructive weather, and losing houses… so I never wanted to watch anything about the weather.  

God must have seen the look on my face, voicelessly saying that I didn’t want to watch the Weather Channel, so He said, “THE WEATHER CHANNEL FLASHES A LOT OF BRIGHT COLORS ACROSS THE SCREEN WHEN THE TEMPERATURES OF EACH CITY FLASH ACROSS THE SCREEN.  AND, THERE IS MELODIC JAZZ MUSIC PLAYED IN THE BACKGROUND.  IT WILL HELP YOU RELAX AND FOCUS YOUR ATTENTION.” 

I saw His point and calmly sat down. We watched the Weather Channel together in silence. Music and bright colors are very influential and perpetually serendipitous to someone on hallucinogens.  I stayed in my room and fell asleep-I don’t know when exactly.  I don’t remember the details of falling asleep, but it must have been pretty quick.  And, it was strange, because it is very hard to sleep when in a deep trip.  When I woke up in the late morning, my roommate was still asleep and God was gone.  I went and took and shower and came back to see my roommate waking up but still lying in bed.  I told him that I was sorry if he was kept awake by the TV last night.  He gave me a strange look.  

I said, “What?” 

He said, “We don’t have a TV.”  

It was true.  We had never had a TV in our dorm room.  In fact, I hadn’t watched TV of any sort for over a year, but the events of the previous night were still real in my head, and I was coming down off the trip, so my mind and body were not in premium condition at that time.  He asked me what had happened that night, obviously expecting a great story because his roommate (me) had watched a non-existent TV…somehow.  I told him of the gel tabs (and a massive, stupid amount it was) and God and His Idea about the benefits of the Weather Channel in connection with psychedelics.  

I don’t know if it was really God.  I am not going to make a solid claim in anyway.  It may have just been a hallucination.  But, whatever it was, it stuck with me.  I was in my Atheist stage at that time in my life, having never really truly believed, despite growing up in the Bible Belt and attending religious schools.  I had made the official jump to Atheism when I was eighteen, but when I had that experience in my dorm room, the whole ordeal stayed with me, really affecting me. What was happening?  Chemically:  I was high and tripping; hallucinating.  Spiritually:  At the beginning.  Responsibly:  Nowhere close to normalcy.  Literally:  Going downhill very quickly.  Theologically:  Awakening―minutely.  

A few years later, I had switched universities to get away from that lifestyle, broke off all contact with my draggy friends, and got clean.  I was working on my health and I had changed my major to Literature, all the while I was working at a butcher shop.  There were two evangelists who worked with me.  One believed that Asian people were products of alien breeding (seriously) and the other thought that Evolution was a lie and later got in legal and social trouble for stalking a local female Methodist minister.  Anyway, we had many discussions about religion.  I was still in my Atheist mindset, but I still had that experience on my mind.  I told Rusty (the Stalker) about the experience and he told me under no uncertain terms that I had met a real being. It was not an hallucination, but it also wasn’t God. It was Satan, not God, who had visited me that night, because God would never manifest himself like that to someone like me and he would never talk about drags in a positive way.  Robert (the alien guy) told me that it could have been God, because God appeared in interesting places sometimes, like on tortilla shells and through the tears of statues-but probably not to an Atheist.  Despite the lack of belief I had, I couldn’t shake this experience that I was slowly considering to be some kind of epiphany and/or revelation.  

What I didn’t understand until I finally found my faith in Korea and joined the CO-J-COLDS was that any transcendental experience could not be the result of chemicals or pharmaceuticals.  Transcendental experiences are natural and spiritual, brought on by God through prayer, blessings, and living a moral life.  Revelation comes through sincere belief and a good heart towards God.  Fungi and chemistry cannot bring about a spiritual experience, but simple, earnest prayer can…. And certain semiotics through reading scripture can have a similar effect.  Despite nitrogen and oxygen and carbon being natural, mixing them together into a prescribed form does not compare with real spirituality in any way, shape, or form. 

I had missed this point throughout my young life. And, well....I missed the point throughout my life.